you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
