Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
