so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
