so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
