Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
