We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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