If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
