I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
