After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
