You're completely useless in the revolution.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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