I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
