OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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