I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
