so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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