my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
