Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
