Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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