Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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