also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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