Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
