That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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