thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
