Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
