if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
