What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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