He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
