I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I still have a little drunk in my system
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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