Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
