I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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