Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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