Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
