My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have post one night stand depression
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