I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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