end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
