You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
