She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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