You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
