It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
