woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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