i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
