Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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