Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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