A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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