I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
