You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
