Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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