why didn't you poke me back
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
