So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
