just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He kissed a someone with a penis
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
