Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
