I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
