a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
