You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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