i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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