this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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