I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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