I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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