I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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