I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
