I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
