I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
