He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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