Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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