sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
