Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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