i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
is wine microwaveable?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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