What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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