I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
